A) Eat whatever I want in whatever quantity I want. That's right, my homies: St. Peter is going to have to call in the golden crane to haul my fat ass into Heaven. And he better watch his saintly step, because I might just eat him on my way in.
|More woman than St. Pete can handle?|
B) Wear nothing but pajamas...at all times, which is really no different than what I already do, but I have been known to throw on some jeans and a t-shirt with a snarky saying printed on it should I have to go to Target or the grocery store, or the local Japanese Steakhouse or Olive Garden (neither of which I have been able to afford in over a year). But my jean and t-shirt days would be O-V-E-R. And never would another bra touch my body.
C) I would dine and dash at all the local Japanese Steakhouses and the Olive Garden (and probably Chili's, too) as often as possible.
D) I would find some rich family's "vacation" beach house and move my family into it. The owners will likely be too busy securing their billion dollar tickets on the first rocket to outer-space-safety or their cubby-hole in an underground bunker to notice that strangers have taken up residence in their schmancy beach house. And you know what? They can have their dark world of claustrophobic agoraphobia and powdered drink mixes. I'm going out enjoying an earthly ocean view with the people I love most in the world. How's that for being entitled?
E) I would never shave my legs or armpits again, and I would totally rock the 70's bush (again, not too different than my current life-choices, but there does eventually come a time when I remember that I am a woman...with a man, and I shouldn't be so inconsiderate with my grooming practices; so I go ahead and smooth myself out once every six months or so. But, if the Mayans are right: never again Lady Gillette! Never again).
F) I would rob a pharmacy.
G) I would pull my son out of school. And I would spend every waking moment with him and his dad...laughing and farting and loving (not necessarily in that order).
H) I would buy lots of adult diapers (and by "buy," I mean "steal," because if the world were coming to an end, I'm just gonna take what I need, bitches.). Yep. Adult dyppies. What? You think I am going to waste one iota of my last days on earth sitting on a toilet? Hellz to the no! I will straight up shit myself, toss the diaper away, and re-suit for future ass battle, of which I imagine there would be a lot, since I would be eating so much; in fact, I would have an ass-battalion living in my pampers, engaging in constant "air" strikes -at the very least. Other responsibilities of the ass-platoon would include boulder removal from the cave's entry. Haha! Oh man. I crack myself up. Nothing like a good doo-doo metaphor. Anyway, what was I taking about? Oh yeah. The Mayans and wearing diapers. Damn right.
I could really go on and on. But, I have covered the really important basics: being with my loved ones, gorging on food, pajamas, Sasquatch-like non-grooming, thievery, beach sunsets, and shitting myself. Anything else would just be extra gifts from God, who apparently thinks so little of me and the race to which I belong that He/She would just flush us away like cosmic turds...if the Mayans are right.