Saturday, April 21, 2012

AtoZ/Day20 - letter R

R is for Ruining a Perfectly Good Moment.  This is habitual behavior for me.  If something even remotely resembling contentment should find me, I chase it away.  I've put a lot of thought into this.  And, I think that the most fleeting moment of peace is all I will allow myself, because it feels so foreign.  It feels dangerous.  It's the truest example of a "vicious cycle."  I long for it, I seek it, I find it, and I kill it before it can kill me.
They say we develop our most basic thought foundation at a very young age.  Don't worry: I'm not one of those people that acts out in irresponsible and inconsiderate ways and then blames my childhood when thrown into the interrogation chamber.  But, I am also not blind to the lasting implications of my earliest years, whether good or bad.
 Peace was not something that was available in abundance when I was a kid, and when it did come around, there was usually a high price to pay for it.  So, I think I just learned to say, "thanks, but no thanks" to the peace and contentment vendors.  I don't know if it's just me, or if most people feel as if life is going to rip a limb off in exchange for more than a second of tranquil, worry-free living, but whether normal or borderline psychotic, as tempting as it is to maintain a peaceful state of existence, I feel like it's just safest to keep my armies actively patrolling the perimeter. 
And it's easiest.  If I am being honest (and why be anything else unless caught between the thrill of a new mother and her excessively ugly baby): being content is just not easy.  It takes work, strength of will.  It also requires faith (faith is not reserved for the pious, by the way.  One can have as much faith in themselves and the workings of life and the universe as in any God-head).  Not hope.  Hope is good, but it isn't faith, because if you have faith, there is no need for hope.  Faith is absolute.  Hope is fickle.  And faith is a hard thing to hold on to.  It's beautiful and whole, but it's slippery as hell.  And yet, there seems to be a paradoxical truth about faith in that once we stop trying so hard to hold on to it, it will rest easy in our grasp.
All the great paradoxes of life present yet another aspect of peace and contentment that requires energy exertion: balance.  Also, there is acceptance: acceptance of the River's flow and the Pendulum's swing.  Just in Faith, Balance, and Acceptance we can see how letting ourselves be, by letting the moment be, is a giant pain in the ass.  It's not easy, and I am lazy.  I'm lazy, and I'm damaged, but I have hope that I will one day acquire the discipline required not to toss the moment carelessly around until I drop it.  I am hoping for faith.

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