Sunday, March 31, 2013

Blog, interrupted - LRRH

Right now I don't feel like dealing with "The List."  Right now, "The List" can suck it.  It's been interesting to take on a written inventory of skeletal parts that I believe make up so much of the body of life, and it's been fun to see how my mood dictates the various tones of each post, as inspired by the same, but - while I have no plans to abandon "the list" - I want to write about a subject that isn't predetermined by something I wrote ten years ago.  I want to write about something - or rather someone - that I have expressed - briefly - in the past as being bothersome, and more than a little irritating.  I want to write about Little Red Riding Hood.

Just as it is no mystery that Humpty was a dumbass for not first being hard-boiled before endeavoring to climb and pose like a diva atop a very tall wall, it is also no secret that Little Red Riding Hood was an attention-whore and a slutty-slut-slut (By the by: Little Red Riding Hood will be known - herein - as LRRH from this point forward, b/c I am SO NOT writing that shit out every time I need to refer to her.  OMG! It's just so typical of her to have a super long name!).  Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone with this obvious evaluation; HOWEVER - for the naysayers that OBVIOUSLY have no investigative prowess, I shall discuss further how this observation came to be, as well as the resulting circumstances that are bound to arise when attention-whores are allowed to frolic through the woods.

How do I know LRRH was an attention-whore and a slutty-slut-slut?  Well, firstly: her attire.  I don't know about you, but if this tale had been about me, and a homicidal wolf was patrolling in close proximity, and my mother asked me to deliver a basket of tea and scones (which we all know is storybook-speak for tequila and adult diapers) to my grandmother whose locale forced me to take route through the creepy woods where said homicidal wolf had been spotted lingering (and murdering innocents), this precious little tale would have been entitled "Little CAMO Riding Hood: Stealthy Like a Ninja and Will Melt Your Face Off with a Can of Mace." 

But, LRRH - whore that she is - decides to don a bright red cape along with fish net stockings, nipple tassels, a mini skirt, and no underwear. Also, she does not move through the woods with ninja-like stealth.  Instead, she skips along and sings happy little whore songs as she swings her little whore basket (WHICH, incidentally, many storybook historians now believe had a false bottom that housed LRRH's "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms, as well as an array of pharmaceutical-grade narcotics).

When she gets to Grandma's house, there is a wolf wearing a nightgown in Grandma's bed.  C'mon people!  I know I've ranted about this before on Facebook, but let me say again: if Granny is so heinous that simply putting her sleepy-time clothes on a wolf is enough to fool you, then I think it's high time that someone calls the Dept. of Health and Human Services, b/c either she has been terribly neglected or that bitch is in dire need of a spa day. 

Here's the thing, though: I never - for one moment - believed that LRRH didn't know that a wolf was posing as her grandmother.  Why?  Well, among other things, IT WAS A FUCKING WOLF IN A NIGHTGOWN!



Anyway, just as she commences stroking the wolf's "ego" with her slutty flirtations of, "Oh my! What big TEETH you have!" (what a skank), and he jumps from beneath the sheets to have his way with her, what happens?!?...  The hunter that LRRH  has been teasing for months and who - as a result - became an obsessed stalker, breaks the door down (a very inconsiderate thing to do, b/c it took the insurance company almost a year to process that claim), and slays the wolf (I think we all know that "slays the wolf" is storybook lingo for "has a menage trois with").

So...I feel confident that I have presented a solid argument with hard evidence in this matter, but just in case you need more: It is said that many storybook historians believe that LRRH actually knew the wolf was planning to eat her grandmother that day, and - in fact - the whole thing was some sick role-playing game.  This belief stems from the (factual) rumor that along with condoms and narcotics, the po-po also discovered a jar of peanut butter in the secret compartment within her basket...

YOU decide.

 


Actual Depiction
 






15 comments:

  1. Holy Shit! That is hilarious!!! Thank you for making me laugh today.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad I could help make your day a little better. Life has been challenging for both of us and our families, but blogging and writing helps, doesn't it? And if we're really lucky, it might help others in some small way too. I'm going to start work on swap two today. Total, I have four posts going right now. At least inspiration is not in short supply. As always, thanks for the support.

      Delete
  2. This is so darn funny! Girl what is that in your head that can come up with this stuff! So good!!!! Love it. Since I don't know how to like here I will choose anonymous (but my real name is Cheryl)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of these days I am going to write a post that totally exposes the conspiracy behind humpty's "fall," but I think I'm already in the storybook watch list, so I need to be cautious. :)

      Delete
  3. Oh God I will never look at LRRH the same again.... this was hysterical...and oh my, doesn't your mind wander in some wicked directions.....peanut butter, indeed....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually almost crossed my own line with the peanut butter thing...almost.

      Delete
  4. I knew it before I got here! I knew I was going to love it. But I didn't expect you to crack me up in the first two sentences. You are ridiculously funny, but bring up some very valid points. I'm going to have to ponder on this one for a while...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you know...I feel it is my responsibility to get people thinking about the big issues.

      Thank you so much for coming by...and for "getting it." I love when people can just get it, and laugh.

      Delete
  5. HA HA! Another blogger and I had a similar conversation at Halloween time because in order to dress up as LRRH, you gotta be a slut. There is no in between!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn. See? You bring MORE evidence to the table!

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  6. You are so naughty! And I am so going to follow your blog.
    Love the pic of LHHR by the way.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, anyone that can read this post and appreciate it with a "follow" is someone I want to get to know! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

      Delete
  7. Seriously, thanks to everyone for coming by. I am so looking forward to having frequent run-ins with you guys as I stumble my way thru the Blogdom (what can I say? I like my wine...and tequila). Happy Blogging!

    oh...and just so you know: if you don't see comments from me, it doesn't mean i'm not reading. For some reason, certain blog sites make fun of my "browser" and make me feel inferior by not accepting my comments. It's like sitting alone at lunchtime. :(

    ReplyDelete