Blog, interrupted - LRRH

Right now I don't feel like dealing with "The List."  Right now, "The List" can suck it.  It's been interesting to take on a written inventory of skeletal parts that I believe make up so much of the body of life, and it's been fun to see how my mood dictates the various tones of each post, as inspired by the same, but - while I have no plans to abandon "the list" - I want to write about a subject that isn't predetermined by something I wrote ten years ago.  I want to write about something - or rather someone - that I have expressed - briefly - in the past as being bothersome, and more than a little irritating.  I want to write about Little Red Riding Hood.

Just as it is no mystery that Humpty was a dumbass for not first being hard-boiled before endeavoring to climb and pose like a diva atop a very tall wall, it is also no secret that Little Red Riding Hood was an attention-whore and a slutty-slut-slut (By the by: Little Red Riding Hood will be known - herein - as LRRH from this point forward, b/c I am SO NOT writing that shit out every time I need to refer to her.  OMG! It's just so typical of her to have a super long name!).  Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone with this obvious evaluation; HOWEVER - for the naysayers that OBVIOUSLY have no investigative prowess, I shall discuss further how this observation came to be, as well as the resulting circumstances that are bound to arise when attention-whores are allowed to frolic through the woods.

How do I know LRRH was an attention-whore and a slutty-slut-slut?  Well, firstly: her attire.  I don't know about you, but if this tale had been about me, and a homicidal wolf was patrolling in close proximity, and my mother asked me to deliver a basket of tea and scones (which we all know is storybook-speak for tequila and adult diapers) to my grandmother whose locale forced me to take route through the creepy woods where said homicidal wolf had been spotted lingering (and murdering innocents), this precious little tale would have been entitled "Little CAMO Riding Hood: Stealthy Like a Ninja and Will Melt Your Face Off with a Can of Mace." 

But, LRRH - whore that she is - decides to don a bright red cape along with fish net stockings, nipple tassels, a mini skirt, and no underwear. Also, she does not move through the woods with ninja-like stealth.  Instead, she skips along and sings happy little whore songs as she swings her little whore basket (WHICH, incidentally, many storybook historians now believe had a false bottom that housed LRRH's "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms, as well as an array of pharmaceutical-grade narcotics).

When she gets to Grandma's house, there is a wolf wearing a nightgown in Grandma's bed.  C'mon people!  I know I've ranted about this before on Facebook, but let me say again: if Granny is so heinous that simply putting her sleepy-time clothes on a wolf is enough to fool you, then I think it's high time that someone calls the Dept. of Health and Human Services, b/c either she has been terribly neglected or that bitch is in dire need of a spa day. 

Here's the thing, though: I never - for one moment - believed that LRRH didn't know that a wolf was posing as her grandmother.  Why?  Well, among other things, IT WAS A FUCKING WOLF IN A NIGHTGOWN!

Anyway, just as she commences stroking the wolf's "ego" with her slutty flirtations of, "Oh my! What big TEETH you have!" (what a skank), and he jumps from beneath the sheets to have his way with her, what happens?!?...  The hunter that LRRH  has been teasing for months and who - as a result - became an obsessed stalker, breaks the door down (a very inconsiderate thing to do, b/c it took the insurance company almost a year to process that claim), and slays the wolf (I think we all know that "slays the wolf" is storybook lingo for "has a menage trois with").

So...I feel confident that I have presented a solid argument with hard evidence in this matter, but just in case you need more: It is said that many storybook historians believe that LRRH actually knew the wolf was planning to eat her grandmother that day, and - in fact - the whole thing was some sick role-playing game.  This belief stems from the (factual) rumor that along with condoms and narcotics, the po-po also discovered a jar of peanut butter in the secret compartment within her basket...

YOU decide.

 



Actual Depiction